Kathy Griffin has a super devoted fan base, of which it's clear I wasn't inducted into since I had no idea her reality show was no longer when we spoke (edited version here). I mean, when I found out she was 50 years old and looked the way she did, I just assumed she (and her show) were gonna live through the Mayan calendar like cockroaches. The planet would have withered to sticks, but My Life on the D-List would rise from the televised ashes and be our lone sense of entertainment/order like V for Vendetta. So there went all my questions! Luckily, Kathy's really good at what she does. You just literally open any tabloid, point at something, and she'll have something to say about whatever you just pointed at. I really wanted to ask about her Pulp Fiction cameo and - loser alert! - Celebrity Mole: Hawaii, but somehow I forgot to. Wah, wah.
KATHY GRIFFIN: Hey, Matthew.
MATTHEW DEKNEEF: Hi, is this Kathy?
Yes, this is Kathy.
Is this really Kathy? Or is this drunk Maggie pretending to be Kathy?
Wanna hear something funny? My mom is here. She’s in the background and she’ll use this to acknowledge I’m doing interviews, so you’ll actually hear Maggie in the background. Hold on, let me put the phone up. [Silence] Can you hear her?
She’s…tippin’ it a little bit.
Well, we’ve all got tiger’s blood apparently. Charlie [Sheen]’s made it really trendy and I’m going to get a transfusion.
That or we can all just OD on “Friday”.
OD on what?
Rebecca Black? The really bad pop song that has 33,645,890 views on Youtube? I mean, I don’t know, whatever, I’m not counting.
Oh, yes, I know it. No, over here, it’s all Judge Judy all the time.
I’m just glad it’s really you and you’re comfortable. After the whole Chris Brown thing, I don’t want any surprises, you know?
Well, after this interview I certainly will throw something through a window, rage through the office and run down the street.
You’ve been tied to some…interesting men. Levi Johnston, for instance. Would you date Chris Brown? Or is beating up people like, a deal breaker?
Yeah, dating Chris Brown is not on the table. Domestic violence is a deal breaker. I know I’m really going out on a limb there, but no, I would not date him. I would probably, you know, like, not even look at him, I would just – well, okay, no, that’s not true. As a comedian, from a distance, I would love to watch his behavior like all the celebrities because they’re going to do something crazy. And there are windows to be broken.
It’s sort of funny people call your comedy mean or accuse you of being a bully when you’re not the one breaking windows.
[Laughs] That’s right! I mean, if you’re going to accuse a comedian of being a bully, you got to accuse the entire cast of SNL, all the late night show hosts, they’re all comedians, so, no, that’s – comedians, we have to do our job. You know, what can I tell you? Sometimes the truth hurts.
That’s what’s fun about your act. You’re finger is always on the pulse. To see if I’m on the same page, let’s say our favorite shows on TV right now on three.
One, two, three…
Wait, what’d you say?
[Laughs] Okay, well, if we’re going to play a game where we both talk simultaneously you just might not understand me?
[Laughs] You’re right, that was stupid.
[Laughs] Mine was “My Strange Addiction”.
Don’t know it.
Hello! The lady who eats her sofa?!
That sounds amazing. Well, I think we can find common ground in American Idol…
Oh, absolutely, of course. Although, you know, I openly miss my Paula.
Steven Tyler seems promising.
I think Steven Tyler has elements of our Paula, but I’m sorry, to me there’s only one Paula. By the way, the show’s great this year, it’s all about the singers, but I want Paula Abdul back on my live TV no matter what it takes. I’d vote for her for President.
Think Paula would make a better Palin than Julianne Moore?
Well, I mean, of course, Julianne Moore is an amazing actress. Then I read Sarah Palin said she’s preparing to “grit her teeth” through her performance. First of all, you cannot get a better actress than Julianne Moore, so Sarah Palin better be ready to grind her teeth down to a nub because Julianne Moore is probably going to be great.
On politics, how do you feel about performing in Hawaii – Obama’s alleged state of birth?
[Laughs] I love “alleged” like you’re watching Fox News with Glenn Beck.
Some people really believe this. I mean, Rush Limbaugh had a heart attack the last time he was here.
Rush Limbaugh has a heart attack pretty easily. Like, two a day. I’m just hoping to God the housekeeper is getting him his Oxycontin because I find he can be calmer after his sixty Oxy a day. [Laughs] Yes, I am excited to be in the birthplace of the President. I’ve played Hawaii before, I love it, and of course, I rather infamously vacationed there for Christmas with a lady you may have heard of named Cher.
You didn’t see the pictures? Honey, do your research! There are pictures of me and Cher frolicking in the ocean! They’re so good. Only thing, they’re not photoshopped, that’s what sucks. But it’s candid, so it’s like, “This is me and Cher in the ocean, so I don’t even care about the photoshop.”
I know you hate talking about your two-time Emmy Award winning My Life on the D-List, but after six successful seasons you’re ending the series. What’re your plans? More reality? Daytime talk show? You can’t be totally done with television.
What I’m doing now – after six seasons and two Emmys of My Life on the D-List – is I made a deal with Bravo to do four stand-up specials in one year, that’s never been done by any comedian anywhere. So I’m just doing a huge amount of stand-up, which I love, one is currently running called “Kathy Griffin: 50 and Not Pregnant,” the other week I was on a TV show called Glee. After all that I do find it funny you’re asking me if I’m ever going to work again.
Truthfully, it’s because Oprah asked me to ask you.
[Laughs] Are you in Oprah’s kitchen right now?
I wish. But she did BBM me earlier. Kidding. Oprah doesn’t BBM. She told me with her telepathy.
[Laughs] How much of Hawaii does Oprah own at this point?
Pretty sure she owns all eight islands and the one forming under the ocean that won’t surface for another 2,000 years. Pocket change.
Exactly. I think it’s fair to say we’re all owned and operated by Oprah.
If Winfrey let’s me, I’ll try to catch your show.
Hope you can make it, Matthew!