10 Rapturous things I want to do before the End


1. You shall press play (see: the celestially above), stand in a circle, spin until your head hurts, fall into a fresh-cut baseball field and just surrender to the gravity of David Bowie's "Heroes" and the Earth, since that's something you haven't done since you were like, eleven.

2. Thou shalt delete math from my life. Useless. Don't need it.
(Except for this whole 10 Commandments part. But that's it!)

3. You shall be able to communicate with your dogs telepathically.
This would make laughing during Happy Endings less lonely. And because if
Man's Best Friend(s) doesn't want to hear about all our insecurities,
then who would? Hey, Dogs Everywhere, why're you running away??!

4. You shalt learn all the words to a Nicki Minaj verse, create a YouTube video of you rapping as such and become "famous" because that's what our generation does these daze, I think...

5. Honor thy body. Logic says it's your last day, so eat some cupcakes deep fried inside another cupcake, right? Wrong! Um, Earth to Matthew... you do that every day!! Instead, eat an avocado sandwich, a ginger wasabi salad, a macadamia nut chocolate, do a pushup or two and then wonder why you never did this once when you had all the time to because someone just asked for your number, you idiot!
(I draw the line at bikes, though. Apocalypse schmapocalypse, I like my car. Sorryyyyyy.)


7. You shall reconsider hating that person you love to hate. So boring.

8. Thou shall download Woody Allen's Midnight in Paris into my brain already
'cause I really want to see that.

9. Thou shall stop bloggin' and start livin'. Right after that part where I say...

10. Thou shall buy that plane ticket to [insert destination], learn a new language, open a café, find that one person, tell someone you love them, do that thing because whether the World kabooms or not, you never believed in concepts like a Final Destination anyway, so what're you waiting for?

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