"And I need to tell you probably the sluttiest thing [name redacted] has ever done"
"Apparently when I came out of anesthesia I was demanding to see the hospital's make up artist."
"Omg – my hair looks sooooo 90s tonight"
"Whatever, get up off my dick, bitch"
"Yay for looking like an Arab!"
"Reenacting dead squirrel with loaf of bread"
"Thinkin bout makin my move tonight. I can't pretend that ur only my friend when ur holdin my body tight."
"Well I'm just sitting here with a vine around my neck talking to the gals about boobs."
"I can get mescaline if yr interested"
"Get a grip on yourself, child. Your life ain't that bad, geez! Just look at Billy who's roommate-girlfriend is flirting behind his back with a nerdy computer inventor; Sydney who has to sell her body to pay the rent; Jo who's boyfriend left her for the evil landlord after his motorcycle shop burned down; Jane, who's husband not only cheated on her but then slept with her sister once they got divorced; Kimberly, who fell in love with a married man and subsequently was killed by him in a car accident!!!!!!"Outgoing:
"Okay, I"ll just be watching Snapped"
"Nicole and I just got Cold Stone and are completely regretting it. We feel...drunk."
"C'mon, my mom has bootleg Gnomeo on DVD!"
"Omg, barista just fainted." [2 min. later] "Okay, she's back up. Redeemed."
"Morning. I'm irritated."
":(( dude, we R 2 wild"
"Oh God, I'm already snuggling with my dogs"
"Whole Foods needs to get laid"
"Let me get the door, I think it's the Pulitzer Prize knocking!!"
"Which is weird since I ate my weight in cereal in the dark"
"NEVER WATCHING TOP CHEF AGAIN"