Last month, I didn't go to the Incubus concert eVeN thOuGH theY weRe 1 of mY fAvZ in middle school. I didn't have homework and I wasn't grounded, so maybe I'm just 23?
I didn't go to the Jeff Tweedy concert either, which means I also didn't get to see him kiss the cover of our little alt-paper on stage. Heard from another writer it was hot, though. I also won't be appearing on this blog anytime ever.
I did do Disneyland, but did NOT dominate in this game and have nightmares about it occasionally. Weak.
I didn't drink hardly because this happens. Weaker.
I didn't listen to anything but Amy Winehouse the weekend she died, because face it, Back to Black was one cherry record. RIP.
I didn't watch Shark Week on Discovery because we know it's all about Mob Week on AMC. NO DO NOT ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT THIS CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TYPING WITH HAMMERS IN MY HANDS RIGHT NOWWOWOUCH!?!!? ...sorry, been watching a lot of Mob Week :)))
I didn't shave my head to this gem, but I did hear it playing in my head while I got a regular haircut anyway. Told my barber I wanted to get the "Brad Pitt Tree of Life" which I think he just understood as "Chia Pet."
I didn't have my laptop stolen, but I did have it almost stolen! I don't have internet at home, which means I have to write out of different wifi-coffeehouses on the regular, which means I've become awfully trusting/jaded/common senseless. I was at a Barnes & Noble Starbucks (yes, Starbucks, I'm a #firstworldrebel like that), saved a table by leaving my stuff/my life on it, ordered a drink and when I returned, my laptop bag (which had my computer, cell phone, wallet, soul) was gone.
I did see this homeless-looking guy with a giant roller board of bags nearest my table, so I asked him if he saw anyone take my stuff. He said he didn't, and the P.C.-outside-part-of-me-that-was-raised-by-a-liberal-grandma-who's-probably-chaining-herself-to-a-nuclear-power-plant-as-I-type-this believed him, not to mention I was in too much of a Point Panic to be suspicious.
I didn't know what to do, so I went straight to the store's Lost & Found where I learned my stuff was still lost and not found. Fuck. Outside the store window, I saw the homeless-looking guy walking away, like, back into greater society and wherever. I mean, I didn't want to jump to the conclusion that it had to be The Guy Who Doesn't Shower Ever, but my gut instinct moved me to run outside, catch up to him and ask: "Hey, are you sure you didn't take my bag?" "What bag? No, I didn't take any bag," he said.
I didn't believe him still, so I lied: "Because the Barnes & Noble security camera showed you taking it and the security is going to come out here in any second, so you should just give it back to me now...," while I'm saying this I look harder at his roller board and see my shit stuffed in betweenall his stuff which gave me the confidence to continue that, "...seriously, it's on camera and HELICOPTERS ARE COMING DOWN TO GET YOU SO HURRY AND GIVE IT BACK NOW!" He's like !!!!! and starts dismantling all his "stuff" (probably all stolen) and gives me back my bag. I was both pissed and relieved which is a conflicting feeling I don't think you feel often unless you have kids and lose them in a supermarket or something.
I did tell him: "You shouldn't just take people's things like that! You! Just! Don't!" to which he says, "You shouldn't leave your stuff around," and with my finger in his face, he just keels back and lets out this loud booming laugh that radiates through the entire mall and I'm just like, wait, what's going on, you're making my head hurt, stop?
I did write about all the stuff I didn't do last month because I did get my computer back, which I guess is the point of this post.